hi. my name is jeff.
once i loved gucci, i had a shrine to gucci in my room. every night i prayed to gucci and rubbed their shoes all over myself to turn me on, i was a guccisexual of course. that was until i met the elemelons and they showed me the light of guccis ways and how sickening they were. but enough of that; to understand this story, you must first understand who the elemelons are
one day i was walking down the street and saw an old pokemon cartridge, being a big sega fan i wanted to play the game on my atari jaguar and immerse myself with the 64 bit graphics engine comparable to that of the ps4. the name on the front was "origins of the elemelons" so i thought to myself, how coincidental that i am holding a melon in my other hand. so i picked it up and walked home; when i got home however i noticed that my atari jaguar - the defining console standard, was missing. i was shocked and shit myself slightly as i realised that my house was missing and i was only left with the melon. with nothing better to do i slammed the disc into the melon and i was transported to the world of the melons where i met maang.
"hey you look like this retarded kid i watched on a hentai show who thinks he can move his dick with his mind"
"wow man fuck you"
and then maang walked off, although i followed him to the temple of the four melons. it turns out that maang was the guy i saw in that chinese hentai shit and the way to enter the temple of the four melons was to violently masturbate until melon juice comes out but i wasnt a melon so i had to follow him quickly before he shut the door.
"get the fuck out my house"
"no tell me who you are"
"my name is maang and i am the melon lord"
"tell me more"
"is this not just blatant exposition?"
i sighed out loud and explained that i didnt give a fuck and if he didnt explain where i was then i would drop kick him in the nearest cheeky nandos
"okay, one day there was only watermelons but i came along and fucked the eco-system to the point where there were firemelons, airmelons and earthmelons. the other 3 tasted like shit with airmelons not even existing but whatever, and now i pass the power onto you so you will leave my home"
"wooahh thats insane"
"yeah now get the fuck out"
I left maangs house and slowly realized that I was in the real world; the door must have transported me back into our reality. that or my acid trip wore off but either way i walked down the high street with my melon still in hand and because i was so hyped to express my power i walked into the nearest bank and threw my melon at the counter and the melon exploded into smaller chunks of melon that saturated all of the money. I cheered gleefully as i ran off to find a prostitute to beat up but i passed a new restaurant being opened that day ran by guccis, the overly expensive designer brand.
i launched myeslf through the window even though the door was wide open because i was the melon lord so i didnt give a fuck and i looked at the menu, its most popular choice was "fuck nuggets" so i asked what it was and the bitch at the counter looked at me and asked
"OH SO YOU THINK JUST BECAUSE I AM A WOMAN MEANS THAT I KNOW WHAT FUCK NUGGETS ARE? YOU WANT TO FUCK ME NOW HUH? WOMEN RIGHTS PEOPLE YOU ARE JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELS..."
i cut her off
"i dont care im the melon lord" i said as i slapped her and walked around the side to grab the nearest melon to slam into her head for my snapchat story
i couldnt find any evidence of what fuck nuggets were apart from a room named "fuck nuggets fucking room" though i reluctantly checked and i realised what they were.
now this is edgy as fuck so if you are a peta pusseeeeeee then dont read this next part you might die on the spot:
there were live chickens and they were being forced into the 69 position and then deep fried alive to be cut up into small pieces and then dipped in high concentrate liquid nicotine because why not to be sold fresh. i saw their hyper realistic anime eyes look at me and i even heard one say "melon lord save us" and i knew what i had to do
i took a bucket of the oil that was burning, i know this because i tried to drink some of it because i was thirsty, and i poured it on that semi-conscious woman from earlier while she was recovering from the melon attack only because i had a grudge on her and i saw someone posting instagram pictures of it so i thought i should make it more interesting naturally. the girl who was taking instagram pictures noticed me because i was her senpai so we went in the backroom and fucked until my melon juice came out and then i walked out and slapped a child while i passed because he looked at me funny
a week later the gucci restaurant was shut down and i was watching nesquik and chilling with my sister when the police knocked on the door, but i was prepared. i grew watermelons because they were the strongest and i crushed the police's skulls with the melons as they were hard and not fully ripe and i roared because on all levels except physical i am a melon.
and that is the story of how i became the melon lord and how i battled guccis for being sickening fucks and shit